9 more weeks!!

Baby Claire will be here 9 weeks from today! It's pretty much surreal. I feel like we have waited for 2 years  for this baby. I pray that in 9 weeks we will finally have a live, healthy baby in our arms. I miss Ella too. There isn't part of me that doesn't wish she was here..okay, the motherly, I want you to have the very best is glad she's in Heaven. In the very beginning of losing her I couldn't understand how it would be better for a baby to be with Jesus and not her mother. I still struggle with it at times. I'm happy to say that I feel like I have grown since losing her. I understand God is with me during this pregnancy but I still feel like he could take away another baby. This baby will be here very soon! I'm hoping the time will go by pretty fast. There is a part of me that doesn't want the time to pass. Particularly if she will die in the womb as her sister did.I know of 2 people who have had babies in the past week or so and I can't help but wonder "will I get my happy ending?"


The Elizabeth George study we have been doing on Wednesday morning has been going well. I have learned quite a bit about the blessing of prayer. I've discovered that God takes delight in those that take delight in Him. Sounds crazy huh to just figure that out? Maybe I just needed reminding. I pray for God's blessings but I have to ask myself how far am I willing to go for Him? I am trying to give up more time during my day to be more disciplined and spend more time with Him..and thinking about Him. Tuesday nights have been also going pretty well. I am thankful for the friendships that could be bonded together. 


I still feel like I am a little bit more secluded than I should be. I feel like it will take me longer to gain more than just a few friendships (not that I'm not thankful for them) than I had hoped.Not that a person needs a lot of friendships..I'm one of those quality of quantity people. So maybe what I just said sounded a little silly. 


Praise God that we received a gift card in the mail today! The envelope did not have a return address on it but we are thankful! We also received a letter in the mail from Sprint. They took $5 off our monthly bill! Which I know isn't much but right now as we have no income everything helps!

baby Claire!

We got home from Columbia not that long ago. Claire is doing fine! First we had our appointment with the doctor who will deliver her. Then, I had to get blood drawn (ick) and then I had an appointment with the high risk doctor. We did a non stress test and an ultrasound. I wish I had a scanner to put some of the pictures online. She was putting two fingers up like a peace sign at one point. It was cute. She wasn't moving as well today during the ultrasound but the tech said that was normal. Since she had already been so active during the nts test apparently that made up for the 20 minutes of time they were looking for her to be active. She said that the baby had probably just worn herself out and thats why she wasn't as active. Of course I asked her if it was a problem that Claire wasn't as active during the ultrasound. I am one paranoid momma. I told Joe that if I didn't ask I would have gone crazy this week as we wait for another appointment.

baby appointment!

Joe and I leave in about an hour to get to our first doctor appointment. Then, 45 minutes later we have another one! Our first one is just to listen to her heartbeat, and kinda check up on me. The next one in pretty much the most exciting of the two! I get an ultrasound and a non stress test. The exciting part is obviously the ultrasound part. The non stress test is kinda boring. I just sit there and push a button every time Claire moves. It's exciting to be honest with how much she moves in just a matter of like 20-30 minutes. Maybe its just more exciting because we lost of our first child. I have been praying that Claire will not die like Ella did. I do not want to experience the loss of two children.

Earlier, I was doing my homework for the Elizabeth George study we've been doing at church it was talking about how God disciplines us because he loves us. Now, I know that God did not take our baby girl away to 'teach us a lesson.' When we first lost her I felt like that. I think I remember praying and praying and wondering and wondering what the lesson could be. In the early days (when I say early I mean like the first 6 months) it took me awhile to stop thinking about her constantly. I know that might sound silly but again, until you've lost a loved one, you are ignorant (and I don't mean that in a rude way). Now, I come to the conclusion that I am not glad our daughter died but I am happy with the ability to connect with people in a way not a lot of people (especially my age) can say that they can.

 My sister lost her third child and as far as I know, doesn't have anyone to connect with in a 'grieving mom' way. Now, we can be there for each other. Before we lost Ella I was ignorant of her pain (obviously). I also remember thinking 'she's got 5 other living children to take care of!' now I realize that doesn't matter. They still don't take the place of Luke. I'm not saying my nephews and niece do not matter!! Don't get me wrong. please! I hope my point is understood though.

For those of you that are reading this and are believers please! please! pray for my baby girl to be born healthy, alive and well. We have less than 10 weeks till she's here! Joe is still unemployed. He is supposed to be getting in touch with kfc after he gets out of class today.

We are headed to Columbia immediately after he gets home to look in on baby Claire!

today...

Today Joe and I went to ucm's first home football game. Of course they had part of the day dedicated to those who died in the twin towers and Pennsylvania. Also those who currently who are in the 'saving lives' positions. Such as nurses, military, firemen, and so on. I saw a woman who is obviously in the military walk across the track. For some reason it really hit me, just how much these people are giving up for us. I don't know why it was something that small to hit me like that. Is it weird that it also relates to how I perceive what Jesus did for us? 

I had an appointment Wednesday for the baby. She is doing exceptionally well! We are REALLY grateful she is doing so well. Oh and UCM needs Jesus. I know everyone does but man! I watched a documentary called " Lord, save us from your followers" yesterday. It opened my eyes. The guy who was the 'host' said he is a Christian but he wanted to see what people think of Christians (I think. I'm pregnant, I forget a lot!) Non Christians talked about how they had been hurt and judged by Christians so bad they just don't care to be a Christian themselves. As Christ's followers, how can we harbor so much hatred in our hearts? Has Christ really transformed us if we refuse to love the people He loves? I'm not pointing the fingers and saying 'you! you! you!' I'm talking to me as well. 

Of course they have cheerleaders at a football game right? The guys behind us were making comments. My heart went out to those girls. I think they'd have to be totally ignorant not to know they are being looked at in a sexual way. Maybe they didn't mind it. I was thinking about how I felt bad for the girls that the guys were making comments like that. Then I thought, Why aren't I praying for God to change the guy's hearts?  It's been on my heart lately how quickly I tend to judge without praying for the person...does that even make sense?

just a few things....

Yesterday I had a baby appointment in Columbia. Claire is doing exceptionally well. She moved 54 times (I think) in like 20 minutes! It was nuts. I was wondering if she was going to move because on the trip to Columbia I think she was napping mostly. I started my non-stress tests yesterday. I will have them once a week until the baby is here. The nurse just wraps a band with a monitor on it around my belly to listen to Claire's heart and I push a button every time I feel her move. She is growing even more hair! We had a different technician this week than last week. The one we had this week said that babies usually start growing hair at this point (almost 28 weeks) but Claire has already started! We saw her breathing! It was intense! The doctor said I need to do a better job at scheduling my meal times and times I give myself insulin..I'm not very good at having a schedule anymore since I don't really have to. Yesterday morning the first actually session of the Elizabeth George study was held. I really enjoyed it. It was a coincidence that she talked about scheduling your time better. She talked about how we should give God the best of our time. I totally needed to hear it. So, starting today I intend to be better. Both with giving God more time and with scheduling things out meal and insulin wise. I told Joe I'm going to have to start "penciling things in" like someone of uber importance or something. Joe STILL isn't employed. He's waiting for the manager at kfc to call...still. He told me that even if he gets the kfc job he doesn't think he will get paid enough to pay all the bills. If its not one thing, its another right? Little Claire will be here 10 weeks from today! It's almost unbelievable! It's totally exciting. We still have a few things we want to take care of but I don't know if it will happen. We need a crib still. We don't have a baby monitor..that'd be nice..oh and a camera to send pictures and videos when she's born. So many things..AHH!!!  I trust that God wanted us here because he opened the door so quickly for us to come and I had prayed about it periodically (which probably wasn't enough) until we actually came here that if he didn't want us to come to let us know. Everything seemed to point to us coming here. I know he wouldn't send us here without providing for us. It just seems hard right now. 

27 weeks!

I turned 27 weeks on Friday! Only 10 more weeks to go till she's here. I'm very excited! Today Walmart was having a sale on children's clothes. We found a dress for Claire. It was a $1 and is the most adorable thing pretty much ever..well, that might be an exaggeration actually :) Right now Joe's playing football and I'm on here and listening to 'total axxess'. Wally's hilarious! I have laundry to put away..but I don't wanna do it! We are starting to study the book of Luke in our small group at church. It's pretty cool actually to talk about it with other people. There were things that were said that I hadn't even thought of! I'm excited for the study to continue. On Wednesday we will officially start the Elizabeth George study at church. I'm pretty excited about that as well. It's gonna be good to get to know other women who go to Northside. It is a women's Bible study..obviously right?

 I've been more calm about the baby in the past couple days. I'm not as paranoid about Claire dying as I have been. I know sometime in the next 2 months I'm going to be all nutty again. Probably as her birthday comes along..or, when the time comes when Ella died, which is only going to be a day before Claire is born. There are times when I tell God that I can't feel the baby move and I'd like her to kick to ease my tension and shortly after Claire kicks! I'm starting to realize God might actually listen to my request not to take Claire away from us! There are times I feel like I'm telling him I want her to stay with us for no reason. I feel like he will just take her at the end like Ella.  I realized today that a woman in my small group at church had a miscarriage. I am constantly amazed at how not alone I am at this whole baby loss process.

I miss Central. I miss the small atmosphere and everything being so familiar. I know eventually we'll get there here in Warrensburg but its definately going to be a process. Joe is going to kfc tomorrow to talk to the manager to hopefully get a job there. I'm praying he gets a job soon. I like electricity! :)

someone help!

The lower part of my blog! I can't figure it out! The part that says who I am and the blog archive stuff is so big!!!  I don't like it that big..