new read..

a few weeks ago I picked up the book "choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. And WOW! Brief over view if you haven't heard of the book..Their 5 year old daughter was accidently ran over.
The book has helped me work through a little of my grief over the loss of our first daughter. One of the 5 year old's sisters saw her die..Maria started running toward the car..the person driving the car didn't see her. The sister that saw her die dealt with feelings of guilt. She felt like she could have stopped her sister from dying. I have felt a sense of responsibility over Ella's death. I should have KNOWN my body would fail her. Anyway, in the book the little girl started to see a christian counselor. The counselor told her to pick a figure off her shelf representing her guilt. She chose a lion I think..then she told the girl to choose a figure that represented Christ..I think she chose a crown. They 'buried' the guilt and put the crown on top of it. I would assume the little girl still 'buries' her guilt. I have dealt with it over and over...like a record. I'm not sure any of this is making any sense to anyone but me and if its not I'm sorry.
 If anyone has lost a loved one, I would recommend the book and even if you haven't I think its a very insightful book into the world of grief you may not understand.
I'm grateful if you haven't had to deal with losing someone close. Those of us who have need ongoing support and love. Even two years later I have hard times,days, week, etc. The cliche that holidays are hard is SO true. Its wierd to not have our family complete. Even when we got our family pictures taken it was wierd to not have Ella. I wore a necklace around my neck that day that the hospital gave to me in her memory box. The little pendant says 'always in my heart'
Claire will be 1 on November 16th. I've recently been thinking about how I never got to celebrate Ella's birthday with her the way I will celebrate Claire's and Claire is my 2nd daughter. I should have had experienced something like this already!!
I want to do something to honor Ella's memory..such as like 'hugs from Ella'..like teddy bears for bereaved parents to stillborns. The thing is, nothing seems good enough. Any suggestions?