life...

has gotten ahold of me and shook me..again..not as severely as two years ago and I pray I will never be shaken like that again. I am still dealing with anxiety issues. I just wish I could..well..wish it all away. Most of my fears are about my health declining and dying. It may be totally irrational but to me, its totally real and I hate it. I still haven't gone to the Doctor to ask her whats going on with my body. Its still doing things it did a couple years ago..my counselor at the time said its a symptom of grief. Its hard to face facts that my body is forever changed because of the 2 children I shared it with. I'm not saying I regret those children..not even for a second but I do hate what childbearing has done to me..and we still want more..crazy? I think so yes, probably. I have been thinking of Ella a lot & sort of going back in time. I'm still struggling with the same thoughts I had then.Such as, "is Heaven real?" "Am I just wishfully thinking its real so that way I don't have to face reality I will never see her again?" As I write this, a Bible verse popped into my head "you will not allow your Holy one to decay". Its been happening a lot when I have questions like that..but then I wonder if it really is the Holy Spirit speaking to me or if...again..its wishful thinking.

Joe finally found a job!! He's a delivery driver for a chinese place here in town. I am looking...no hits yet but I think they will come if they are supposed to. We need a new car..when I say new I mean new used car. what an oxymoron right? I want something that will allow me to have Claire with me. Speaking of Claire, she is 9 months today!She has been crawling, pulling herself up on things, playing in her pack n play longer and saying "mom". when she first starting trying to say "mom" or "momma" it sounded like "bubba" I thought she was saying "bubba" but in hindsight, I think she was just making her way towards calling for me.