the comparison game

I play this game..a lot! I compare myself to other mothers, and wives specificially. Nobody told me the work of a SAHM (stay at home mom) isn't roses and peaches all the time. I love LOVE my daughter but its not always easy being at home day in and day out. I know it isn't healthy to compare myself to others..I don't know why I do it. Other than "sin is fun" I have no answer for you.

I've began there are other ways we are called to be stewards other than with our money. I stink at being a good steward of my time! Neither my husband or little girl starve, go without clothes or anything like that. I guess typing all this out has led me to remember..there I go again, comparing myself. I don't know how to break this nasty habit. I realize what God has called me to do looks different than what He's called you to do. I still think "God, what else should I be doing besides being a mommy?"I've come up empty.  I don't want to be a Jonah, running the FARTHEST away from my calling that I can get. Now, I don't know if this is what I wanna "hear"  (stay at home with Claire and nothing else) or i'm just not  listening to Him very clearly. Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing His voice with my own. WOW! THAT sounded egotistical didn't it? I totally didn't mean it that way. I probably should have said I have a hard time knowing when God is speaking to me. I've came up with a couple ideas..such as call/meet with the local hospital, tell them what i've been through with Ella. If anyone going through losing a child needs someone, giving them my contact info and just being there for mothers especially. I've thought of going door to door just chatting it up with people or just taking walks and hoping to find a "God moment." I am pursuing a counseling degree to try to help people on a professional level but I want it and I want it NOW!
patience Ashley patience!

I've started a book study with a group of lovely girls over the book "7". The author is talking about getting rid of excess in our lives..I think I'm gonna enjoy this..in the end. Right now, the truth is hard to hear..even though I need to but I'm excited.

please read, I need opinoins

I know its been a long time since I've written anything. I have started school in the past couple weeks and its been hard to know how to balance life, such as Claire and Joe. And school and cleaning and so on...
anyway, so, I read something online the other day and wanted some opinoins because quite honestly, I don't know what to think. I was reading about the importance and purpose of marriage. Someone wrote a comment that made me think. This person was saying that since marraige is so highly thought of from God we ought to take care of it! Yes, true. I agreed with that. This person said that we ought to take care of our marriages before we'd say..working on patience or gentleness. Does that make sense? However, I think that in a marraige, you will work on patience and gentleness. If you've been married for more than 24 hours you know marriage is full of compromise and that requires patience. I am working on being gentle with my answers and statements. Particuarly if I am annoyed or angry..Or, even if he is angry. If momma isn't happy, ain't nobody happy! but if momma's happy, and everyone else is in a pooey mood, then it seems to help if I respond gently.
I hope all this makes some sort of sense.

we've moved

The last 2 weeks seem somewhat of a whirlwind. Getting ready to move was a long task..with a 1 year old, it seems anything takes twice as long as it used it. She loved trying to 'help' me pack. The week before we moved, we went to Illinois to see family. It was Ella's birthday. We stopped in Moberly on the way back home. and then the saturday after we got back we moved across town. I knew it was going to be a long, tedious process but GOLLY GEE!!! We still don't have Claire's crib put up yet. Joe got a second job. He works about a half hour away now too. So, he's gone a lot. So, by the time he gets home, he's tired and just wants to relax and I..well, I try to either relax our do housekeeping stuff when Claire's asleep for her nap..speaking of which, I shouldn't be on here long because she's been asleep for the last hour and I STILL have laundry to put away. Then, I get to take another load downstairs (probably tomorrow) and do it..and then put that away..as well as put Claire's crib up. Well, so much for her staying asleep, she just woke up. So I must go!

update on life

I've not blogged in a long time. Today we did a little apartment hunting. We didn't decide on anything for sure but at least we have some ideas! Joe and Claire are taking their naps. Momma ate lunch and cleaned a bit. I'm not gonna lie, I have been coming up with some ideas on how to decorate my next apartment, even though I have no idea what it might look like..wierd huh?

Claire is doing wonderful! She's as ornery as ever but we love her. She is a helpful little girl, which makes me totally happy.

I am grateful to visit with a particular friend at least once a week. It's making me see things in myself that need to change. Our friendship has given me the courage to actually change the things I need to. Its  probably not 'normal' to have a close friendship with someone almost 30 years older than you almost, but I appreciate the wisdom she has. I've been praying for wisdom and I suppose this is His way of answering me :0)

vbs and the rest!

I am a crew leader this week at Vacation Bible School at the church I attend. My group is a group of 5 year olds this year. There is one in particular that has been giving me a hard time this week. His mom told me that he had A LOT going on in his life right now. I sort of figured before she even told me..he has it in him to be a sweet kid. 

We are learning all about trusting God. No matter what people do, trust God. No matter how we feel,trust God, no matter what happens, trust God..and There is another one, I'm not remembering. Its kicked my butt this week. In a good way I mean, its totally the reminder I needed. They raised over $1,000 since yesterday for Mexico. 2 of the guys got their heads shaved because they told the kids if they raised the money, they'd shave it. One of the guys hadn't got a haircut in a year because he was holding out for this week.

I've been feeling better mentally and emotionally. I'm scared that once we go back to normal life next week that I will go back into the pooper again. I heard someone mention that in order to be fulfilled in life, we need to be spiritually fulfilled. I don't know if its because I'm a bit busier this week or if its because I feel myself getting filled up spiritually again that I feel like my life isn't a total waste anymore. I hate that I feel this way....wait! I think I was reading that in a book! Its turned out to be a book I wish I would have read before I have started to now. Thank goodness is was free on kindle for a limited time or else I don't think I would have the opprotunity to read it.

I've been trying to journal almost every day. That helps. I think its a good idea to get my feelings out somehow. Even if just on a piece of paper that nobody else will read. I still have trouble praying :( it feels like I'm talking to myself..I can't wait for the feeling that I'm talking to no one to pass....

holding onto hope

I'm currently listening to an online sermon about prayer. I would say my prayer life is sort of like a roller coaster. Higher sometimes and lower others. I hate that I barely say "hello" to God before I come to Him with my laundry list of crap I'd been dealing with that day..or night. I've recently started a journal..again. I haven't really kept one adamantly for years. I was keeping one for a prayer journal but as I said..its been a roller coaster.

Ella's birthday is soon..July 19th but thats still soon in my eyes. I think I'm having a harder time in my grief because of it. She's always in my heart but it becomes a little more apparent at the time of year when her birthday comes. Even holidays and my,Joe or Claire's birthday makes it more real that she's not here.

I've discovered I need more to do. I have too much time on my hands. I think thats largely to contribute to the sadness and anxiety lately

4th year anniversary

Yesterday was Joe and I's wedding anniversary! I know its only been 4 years but at the same time..its..been..four..years. We have been through so much already..starting off with the loss of our first child.I've not been through things that someone whose been married like 50 years or anything but losing our baby and then the social work and bereavement people telling us our marriage will most likely fail because we've lost her...ouch!

After Joe got off work this morning we went to Independence Mall. He let me shop a bit. On the way to the mall he suprised be with a cd! It was awesome because he got me another one by the same artist for mothers day and I couldn't help but think "I wish it had 'this was the stuff' on it" Of course I didn't tell him that. We went to go get starbucks, ate lunch, I spent money..we perused the mall...

We went to "noodles and co" for supper...yumm! We went home for a few then went to a movie. We watched 'The avengers" I tell you, I was a bit sceptical before we went to see it but it was great!!! It was awesomely easier for me to follow than I thought..I normally can't miss a beat with sci fi movies or else I get lost. I surely did with all the superhero movies leading up to the avengers.

It was awesome to be able to spend a day with my one and only again without worry of my child. Of course, I missed her and kept wondering what she was doing and how she was but it was nice to be able to get away for a day and escape with Joe. I feel like it rekindled something we had lost in the busyness of work, school,baby and everyday life.

Claire turned 18 months old Wednesday. She had her checkup. Everything was fine except she has actually fallen off the scale where growing is concerned.So today, we are going to get some blood drawn so the dr can run some tests to make sure nothing serious is wrong with Claire..I'm sure it'll be fine but there is still fear in this momma's heart..especially after losing one baby already...