Yesterday was Joe and I's wedding anniversary! I know its only been 4 years but at the same time..its..been..four..years. We have been through so much already..starting off with the loss of our first child.I've not been through things that someone whose been married like 50 years or anything but losing our baby and then the social work and bereavement people telling us our marriage will most likely fail because we've lost her...ouch!
After Joe got off work this morning we went to Independence Mall. He let me shop a bit. On the way to the mall he suprised be with a cd! It was awesome because he got me another one by the same artist for mothers day and I couldn't help but think "I wish it had 'this was the stuff' on it" Of course I didn't tell him that. We went to go get starbucks, ate lunch, I spent money..we perused the mall...
We went to "noodles and co" for supper...yumm! We went home for a few then went to a movie. We watched 'The avengers" I tell you, I was a bit sceptical before we went to see it but it was great!!! It was awesomely easier for me to follow than I thought..I normally can't miss a beat with sci fi movies or else I get lost. I surely did with all the superhero movies leading up to the avengers.
It was awesome to be able to spend a day with my one and only again without worry of my child. Of course, I missed her and kept wondering what she was doing and how she was but it was nice to be able to get away for a day and escape with Joe. I feel like it rekindled something we had lost in the busyness of work, school,baby and everyday life.
Claire turned 18 months old Wednesday. She had her checkup. Everything was fine except she has actually fallen off the scale where growing is concerned.So today, we are going to get some blood drawn so the dr can run some tests to make sure nothing serious is wrong with Claire..I'm sure it'll be fine but there is still fear in this momma's heart..especially after losing one baby already...
Friday, May 18, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Graduation!
Joe graduated from UCM on Saturday. His parents and sister flew in on Friday night to watch him graduate. I stayed home and finished up odds and ends here while Joe and Claire went to Kansas City to get them from them the airport.
Of course, this was the weekend the weather decided to be super humid & hot!
Saturday, Joe and Claire went to bring his parents donuts and coffee while I stayed here (with Jenni) we pretty well waited till the last minute to get dressed. It was nice to be able just to be lazy. We went to New China to eat (where Joe used to work) Claire decided she was going to be crabby and tired so it took me forever to eat. She likes the waitresses and people who work at New China and they adore her as well so they held her for us for a bit.
Then, off to walmart! Its always a game of cat and mouse anytime our family goes shopping together.But thankfully this time it wasn't too bad...then home for about 10 minutes and off to graduation! Claire was great..at first.until she peed on me..then it was sort of downhill from there..sort of. I didn't get to sit and watch the graduation. I strolled her around in her stroller for awhile. We stood with Jenni and Dad for a bit...
Lastly, to end the night, we had steak and watched a movie "cowboys and aliens" sorta wierd in my book but pretty good all at the same time.
Sunday, we went to Moberly to go to Timberlake. We left the apartment at 5:30 am to go to get coffee, donuts and pick up the parents. There was ever so conviently an after church carry in. So we got a free lunch!
We went to Joe's friend's house to hang out for a couple hours then Hu Hot for supper and then home.
It was a good weekend..the days were long but the weekend was so short.
On the way home from Moberly, I had a nice long conversation with Joe's sister...it was really nice. We hadn't sat and talked like that for a LONG time.
***in other news***
Mother's day is ever drawing nearer. Clearly, this makes me think of my children..both of them. I miss Ella. I've been dreaming of her here and there..its rough. I recently decided to make a collage of both my girls. Its insane how 2 kids can come from the 2 same parents and look nothing alike. Ella is all Joe and Claire is all me..I wonder all the time how it would be with a 2 year old and a 1 year old..would Ella be a good big sister? Would Claire be less lonesome??
Of course, this was the weekend the weather decided to be super humid & hot!
Saturday, Joe and Claire went to bring his parents donuts and coffee while I stayed here (with Jenni) we pretty well waited till the last minute to get dressed. It was nice to be able just to be lazy. We went to New China to eat (where Joe used to work) Claire decided she was going to be crabby and tired so it took me forever to eat. She likes the waitresses and people who work at New China and they adore her as well so they held her for us for a bit.
Then, off to walmart! Its always a game of cat and mouse anytime our family goes shopping together.But thankfully this time it wasn't too bad...then home for about 10 minutes and off to graduation! Claire was great..at first.until she peed on me..then it was sort of downhill from there..sort of. I didn't get to sit and watch the graduation. I strolled her around in her stroller for awhile. We stood with Jenni and Dad for a bit...
Lastly, to end the night, we had steak and watched a movie "cowboys and aliens" sorta wierd in my book but pretty good all at the same time.
Sunday, we went to Moberly to go to Timberlake. We left the apartment at 5:30 am to go to get coffee, donuts and pick up the parents. There was ever so conviently an after church carry in. So we got a free lunch!
We went to Joe's friend's house to hang out for a couple hours then Hu Hot for supper and then home.
It was a good weekend..the days were long but the weekend was so short.
On the way home from Moberly, I had a nice long conversation with Joe's sister...it was really nice. We hadn't sat and talked like that for a LONG time.
***in other news***
Mother's day is ever drawing nearer. Clearly, this makes me think of my children..both of them. I miss Ella. I've been dreaming of her here and there..its rough. I recently decided to make a collage of both my girls. Its insane how 2 kids can come from the 2 same parents and look nothing alike. Ella is all Joe and Claire is all me..I wonder all the time how it would be with a 2 year old and a 1 year old..would Ella be a good big sister? Would Claire be less lonesome??
Sunday, April 22, 2012
so hard to explain
what's going on in my mind and heart, but I will try...
Recently, my brother's wife lost her dad and brother all within two weeks of each other. My brother himself just learned he has leukemia. I can't imagine the heartache!
Joe went for an interview at Schwans in Sedalia (a week or so ago he had one in Columbia) the job looks promising but requires a lot of hours. He will have 13 hour days, working at least 4 days a week (if commission is good otherwise he has to work 5). It definately has good pay involved..insurance the whole shabang. But is it worth it? We will not be in the financial rut we are now. I don't know how to feel. I know one of us has to 'rake in the dough'. Unfortunately, we all can't stay at home all day and be with the ones we love (although, if we could I think we would drive each other nuts) I will have time to miss him thats for sure. Will Claire know her daddy though? I understand this job won't be forever. At least I hope not. He hasn't even been hired yet so I don't know what I'm getting so worked up about but it's been on my mind a lot!
Claire is doing wonderfully. She climbs up and down on the couch by herself now. Yesterday she wanted one of those huge balls from Walmart so our spoiled littlest little got one. She carried it all by herself through most of the store. I was very impressed! The ball is pink with green stripes..very cute.
She's on an antibiotic for a cough and cold. She takes her medicine like a champ though. Personally, I think it stinks and would taste terrible but I am so proud of her everytime she acts like its no big deal to take it.
I've turned into a super nerd. I like documentaries now. Not ones like the Russian Government or anything like that. Last night for example I watched one about the Jewish culture in Jesus' day. Yesterday, I read an article about how some research(ist?) found out we don't have one 'God shaped hole" in our brains but many, the gist of the story being our need for God isn't God given. I have been in such a spiritual rut for almost the past year that I am still vulnerable to things like that and now I feel all frazzled again and don't know what to believe. It doesn't seem very likely to me that this world is for nothing. If you don't believe in creationism it seems to me that you wouldn't have very much hope. The meaning of life..well, its meaningless. To believe we all evolved from a single cell or something crazy like that is nuts because of how intricate we are. I know from watching our littlest little grow inside me almost every week of her pregnancy that I was just blown away at watching her form inside me. I know all the logistics but there is still a hurt and emptiness in my heart...
if you read this, please, please let me know that you do. I don't care if its a one letter comment. I just don't wanna talk to myself anymore..or what seems like it
Recently, my brother's wife lost her dad and brother all within two weeks of each other. My brother himself just learned he has leukemia. I can't imagine the heartache!
Joe went for an interview at Schwans in Sedalia (a week or so ago he had one in Columbia) the job looks promising but requires a lot of hours. He will have 13 hour days, working at least 4 days a week (if commission is good otherwise he has to work 5). It definately has good pay involved..insurance the whole shabang. But is it worth it? We will not be in the financial rut we are now. I don't know how to feel. I know one of us has to 'rake in the dough'. Unfortunately, we all can't stay at home all day and be with the ones we love (although, if we could I think we would drive each other nuts) I will have time to miss him thats for sure. Will Claire know her daddy though? I understand this job won't be forever. At least I hope not. He hasn't even been hired yet so I don't know what I'm getting so worked up about but it's been on my mind a lot!
Claire is doing wonderfully. She climbs up and down on the couch by herself now. Yesterday she wanted one of those huge balls from Walmart so our spoiled littlest little got one. She carried it all by herself through most of the store. I was very impressed! The ball is pink with green stripes..very cute.
She's on an antibiotic for a cough and cold. She takes her medicine like a champ though. Personally, I think it stinks and would taste terrible but I am so proud of her everytime she acts like its no big deal to take it.
I've turned into a super nerd. I like documentaries now. Not ones like the Russian Government or anything like that. Last night for example I watched one about the Jewish culture in Jesus' day. Yesterday, I read an article about how some research(ist?) found out we don't have one 'God shaped hole" in our brains but many, the gist of the story being our need for God isn't God given. I have been in such a spiritual rut for almost the past year that I am still vulnerable to things like that and now I feel all frazzled again and don't know what to believe. It doesn't seem very likely to me that this world is for nothing. If you don't believe in creationism it seems to me that you wouldn't have very much hope. The meaning of life..well, its meaningless. To believe we all evolved from a single cell or something crazy like that is nuts because of how intricate we are. I know from watching our littlest little grow inside me almost every week of her pregnancy that I was just blown away at watching her form inside me. I know all the logistics but there is still a hurt and emptiness in my heart...
if you read this, please, please let me know that you do. I don't care if its a one letter comment. I just don't wanna talk to myself anymore..or what seems like it
Thursday, April 5, 2012
whats up chicken butt?
Not a lot here. We are coming down to the homestretch in this apartment. We have to be out by aug. 1st. Thats not to say that we won't be leaving before then..but right now we just really don't know. Currently, everyone (besides me obviously) in the Morris household is napping. I am getting ready to eat lunch in hopes to get it all consumed by the time Ms. Claire wakes up. We'll see right? Kids seem to have some sort of radar that tells them to wake up when you least want them to.
The Christian Campus house here in town is doing something called "something to eat" this week. You can buy meals for super duper cheap, bag them yourself and at the end of the week they are going to send them overseas..pretty cool if you ask me. Yesterday, Claire kept making googly eyes at the guy taking the money...the flirting has started already. Its sorta crazy.
Its supposedly gonna be rainy today..so, that means more than likely a boring day.I've been thinking a lot about prayer..well, it makes a difference that we talked about it Monday night at Bible study group. I have been so guilty of "doing" things instead of having a relationship with him..its so scary. You know that verse that talks about how 'we've drove out demons in your name' and then Jesus is like "depart from me. I never knew you"..ya, scary. I have felt the peace that comes over a person after I pray about something yet, I choose not to do it not NEARLY as I should..anyone else in the same 'boat'?'
The Christian Campus house here in town is doing something called "something to eat" this week. You can buy meals for super duper cheap, bag them yourself and at the end of the week they are going to send them overseas..pretty cool if you ask me. Yesterday, Claire kept making googly eyes at the guy taking the money...the flirting has started already. Its sorta crazy.
Its supposedly gonna be rainy today..so, that means more than likely a boring day.I've been thinking a lot about prayer..well, it makes a difference that we talked about it Monday night at Bible study group. I have been so guilty of "doing" things instead of having a relationship with him..its so scary. You know that verse that talks about how 'we've drove out demons in your name' and then Jesus is like "depart from me. I never knew you"..ya, scary. I have felt the peace that comes over a person after I pray about something yet, I choose not to do it not NEARLY as I should..anyone else in the same 'boat'?'
Monday, March 19, 2012
I have..
A thirst for knowledge unlike I think I have ever had. It is in the interest of God in particular. I have been struggling with spiritual warfare for what seems like a year now (it probably literally is) I am starting College again in a couple months. I want to be a counselor. I find it sort of ironic because I feel like I need counseling. If I use the word "mentor" it might make me seem like I have more of a "place" to be a counselor.
I think this is going to be one of those blogs that don't really flow or maybe not even make any sense to anyone but me. Thats okay with me. I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head before going to bed so maybe..hopefully I can get some sort of peaceful rest tonight.
I have gone back to the basics..why do I believe what I believe? Books, sermons, videos, etc...anything to tell me why, I know these things logically. My head and my heart have not been in sync with each other for quite some time..well, if they are its only momentarily. I think I just want to know so bad that I just am too anxious to even read and article and pay attention, making it seem almost useless..does this make ANY sense at all?
Yesterday, I finally asked for prayer after church. There are always "prayer partners" in the back of the sanctuary after the sermon to pray with those who need it. I NEEDED it. It was super helpful to know this person had also struggled in this area..they seem so...together & wise..I guess in reality, not so much...
In a different subject, Claire is teething & we think reaching her 'terrible 2's" I know! I know! she's only 1 but she throws fits for no reason sometimes..the dr said its normal around this age..I guess thats the good news..Joe has a break from school this week..thankfully. I'm glad to have him around this week but it is always sort of a bummer when he has to get back to his 'regularly scheduled life'. Making me feel left in the dust..I know that isn't his intention at all.
I'm starting to not feel so anxious about 'wasting my life' and always having to have something to do and if I don't..I go nuts..the feeling is still there but not as bad I don't think..losing Ella has effected me in ways I never would have imagined and 'wasting my life' has become one of them..her death was so sudden.I want to leave a legacy...who doesn't right?!
I think this is going to be one of those blogs that don't really flow or maybe not even make any sense to anyone but me. Thats okay with me. I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head before going to bed so maybe..hopefully I can get some sort of peaceful rest tonight.
I have gone back to the basics..why do I believe what I believe? Books, sermons, videos, etc...anything to tell me why, I know these things logically. My head and my heart have not been in sync with each other for quite some time..well, if they are its only momentarily. I think I just want to know so bad that I just am too anxious to even read and article and pay attention, making it seem almost useless..does this make ANY sense at all?
Yesterday, I finally asked for prayer after church. There are always "prayer partners" in the back of the sanctuary after the sermon to pray with those who need it. I NEEDED it. It was super helpful to know this person had also struggled in this area..they seem so...together & wise..I guess in reality, not so much...
In a different subject, Claire is teething & we think reaching her 'terrible 2's" I know! I know! she's only 1 but she throws fits for no reason sometimes..the dr said its normal around this age..I guess thats the good news..Joe has a break from school this week..thankfully. I'm glad to have him around this week but it is always sort of a bummer when he has to get back to his 'regularly scheduled life'. Making me feel left in the dust..I know that isn't his intention at all.
I'm starting to not feel so anxious about 'wasting my life' and always having to have something to do and if I don't..I go nuts..the feeling is still there but not as bad I don't think..losing Ella has effected me in ways I never would have imagined and 'wasting my life' has become one of them..her death was so sudden.I want to leave a legacy...who doesn't right?!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
He saves me from myself
Thats the lesson in this week James' study. It has been awesome and totally what I need right now. I have been feeling so lonely (like, I'm in this BIG world alone and God has either left me or is nonexistent) The lessons are divided up into days. Day 1,2,3,4 and 5. Anyway, I just finished day 3. All I can really say is "WOW!" We talked about the devil and his schemes and how God is in control. I honestly don't do a very good job at looking up scripture when she says 'refer to this book and verse' but I have had a thirst as of late She mentioned 2 Timothy 2:26 "Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil's trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants." (NLT) Earlier in the study, it was mentioned how "he hopes we'll think God has suddenly turned on us and we'll grow stff-necked and hardhearted." So, totally where I have lately!!! I don't know if this post is flowing very well or even makes much sense but I wanted to share what I have been learning. In today's lesson, she includes reasons to submit to God. May I share them with you?
-God knows everything about you and every matter concerning you. Nothing is hidden from his sight. So submit to God
-He is always looking out for your ultimate good and takes your hurts personally. So submit to God.
-He is holy and worthy and incapable of abusing His divine authority over you. So submit to God.
-He knows your motive was right but your mouth messed up. So submit to God.
-He hows exactly how to make terrible into good. So submit to God. (this one personally hit me. I lost my full term baby almost 3 years ago...BIG OUCH!)
-He loves you completely and unconditionally and will never let you go. So submit to God.
-He knows the well-deliberated plan for your life and how all things must fall into place for you to fulfill your destiny. So submit to God.
-He will never put to shame those who trust in Him. So submit to God.
I am grateful to Beth Moore and to God of course for bringing this study to me.
-God knows everything about you and every matter concerning you. Nothing is hidden from his sight. So submit to God
-He is always looking out for your ultimate good and takes your hurts personally. So submit to God.
-He is holy and worthy and incapable of abusing His divine authority over you. So submit to God.
-He knows your motive was right but your mouth messed up. So submit to God.
-He hows exactly how to make terrible into good. So submit to God. (this one personally hit me. I lost my full term baby almost 3 years ago...BIG OUCH!)
-He loves you completely and unconditionally and will never let you go. So submit to God.
-He knows the well-deliberated plan for your life and how all things must fall into place for you to fulfill your destiny. So submit to God.
-He will never put to shame those who trust in Him. So submit to God.
I am grateful to Beth Moore and to God of course for bringing this study to me.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
actually spending time alone...
seems sort of eery with the nobody in the apartment but its sort of nice all at once. Joe and Claire went to a baseball game. That gave mommy a few hours to herself. I haven't been alone for hours at a time in awhile. Now, I'm thinking about all the things I need to get done..clean, go over things for school. OH YEAH! I recently got accepted to Liberty University online. I am a psychology major. I will be studying Christian Counseling. I am looking forward to this! I hope to one day work in a church wherever we end up. Joe is applying for jobs a little here, there, and everywhere.
I've been sorta stressed getting things financially ready for Liberty. I don't know what half the forms are that they need but thankfully Joe does. I'm so thankful for him constantly and in new ways it seems...I am working on intentionally becoming his best friend. I know that probably sounds funny but a lot of our marriage (at least to me) hasn't included this feature and I'm trying desperately to change this and not grow complacent.
I've been sorta stressed getting things financially ready for Liberty. I don't know what half the forms are that they need but thankfully Joe does. I'm so thankful for him constantly and in new ways it seems...I am working on intentionally becoming his best friend. I know that probably sounds funny but a lot of our marriage (at least to me) hasn't included this feature and I'm trying desperately to change this and not grow complacent.
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