so hard to explain

what's going on in my mind and heart, but I will try...

Recently, my brother's wife lost her dad and brother all within two weeks of each other. My brother himself just learned he has leukemia. I can't imagine the heartache!

Joe went for an interview at Schwans in Sedalia (a week or so ago he had one in Columbia) the job looks promising but requires a lot of hours. He will have 13 hour days, working at least 4 days a week (if commission is good otherwise he has to work 5). It definately has good pay involved..insurance the whole shabang. But is it worth it? We will not be in the financial rut we are now. I don't know how to feel. I know one of us has to 'rake in the dough'. Unfortunately, we all can't stay at home all day and be with the ones we love (although, if we could I think we would drive each other nuts) I will have time to miss him thats for sure. Will Claire know her daddy though? I understand this job won't be forever. At least I hope not. He hasn't even been hired yet so I don't know what I'm getting so worked up about but it's been on my mind a lot!

Claire is doing wonderfully. She climbs up and down on the couch by herself now. Yesterday she wanted one of those huge balls from Walmart so our spoiled littlest little got one. She carried it all by herself through most of the store. I was very impressed! The ball is pink with green stripes..very cute.
She's on an antibiotic for a cough and cold. She takes her medicine like a champ though. Personally, I think it stinks and would taste terrible but I am so proud of her everytime she acts like its no big deal to take it.

I've turned into a super nerd. I like documentaries now. Not ones like the Russian Government or anything like that. Last night for example I watched one about the Jewish culture in Jesus' day. Yesterday, I read an article about how some research(ist?) found out we don't have one 'God shaped hole" in our brains but many, the gist of the story being our need for God isn't God given. I have been in such a spiritual rut for almost the past year that I am still vulnerable to things like that and now I feel all frazzled again and don't know what to believe. It doesn't seem very likely to me that this world is for nothing. If you don't believe in creationism it seems to me that you wouldn't have very much hope. The meaning of life..well, its meaningless. To believe we all evolved from a single cell or something crazy like that is nuts because of how intricate we are. I know from watching our littlest little grow inside me almost every week of her pregnancy that I was just blown away at watching her form inside me. I know all the logistics but there is still a hurt and emptiness in my heart...

if you read this, please, please let me know that you do. I don't care if its a one letter comment. I just don't wanna talk to myself anymore..or what seems like it

whats up chicken butt?

Not a lot here. We are coming down to the homestretch in this apartment. We have to be out by aug. 1st. Thats not to say that we won't be leaving before then..but right now we just really don't know. Currently, everyone (besides me obviously) in the Morris household is napping. I am getting ready to eat lunch in hopes to get it all consumed by the time Ms. Claire wakes up. We'll see right? Kids seem to have some sort of radar that tells them to wake up when you least want them to.
The Christian Campus house here in town is doing something called "something to eat" this week. You can buy meals for super duper cheap, bag them yourself and at the end of the week they are going to send them overseas..pretty cool if you ask me. Yesterday, Claire kept making googly eyes at the guy taking the money...the flirting has started already. Its sorta crazy.
Its supposedly gonna be rainy today..so, that means more than likely a boring day.I've been thinking a lot about prayer..well, it makes a difference that we talked about it Monday night at Bible study group. I have been so guilty of "doing" things instead of having a relationship with him..its so scary. You know that verse that talks about how 'we've drove out demons in your name' and then Jesus is like "depart from me. I never knew you"..ya, scary. I have felt the peace that comes over a person after I pray about something yet, I choose not to do it not NEARLY as I should..anyone else in the same 'boat'?'

I have..

A thirst for knowledge unlike I think I have ever had. It is in the interest of God in particular. I have been struggling with spiritual warfare for what seems like a year now (it probably literally is) I am starting College again in a couple months. I want to be a counselor. I find it sort of ironic because I feel like I need counseling. If I use the word "mentor" it might make me seem like I have more of a "place" to be a counselor.
I think this is going to be one of those blogs that don't really flow or maybe not even make any sense to anyone but me. Thats okay with me. I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head before going to bed so maybe..hopefully I can get some sort of peaceful rest tonight.
I have gone back to the basics..why do I believe what I believe? Books, sermons, videos, etc...anything to tell me why, I know these things logically. My head and my heart have not been in sync with each other for quite some time..well, if they are its only momentarily. I think I just want to know so bad that I just am too anxious to even read and article and pay attention, making it seem almost useless..does this make ANY sense at all?
Yesterday, I finally asked for prayer after church. There are always "prayer partners" in the back of the sanctuary after the sermon to pray with those who need it. I NEEDED it. It was super helpful to know this person had also struggled in this area..they seem so...together & wise..I guess in reality, not so much...
In a different subject, Claire is teething & we think reaching her 'terrible 2's" I know! I know! she's only 1 but she throws fits for no reason sometimes..the dr said its normal around this age..I guess thats the good news..Joe has a break from school this week..thankfully. I'm glad to have him around this week but it is always sort of a bummer when he has to get back to his 'regularly scheduled life'. Making me feel left in the dust..I know that isn't his intention at all.
I'm starting to not feel so anxious about 'wasting my life' and always having to have something to do and if I don't..I go nuts..the feeling is still there but not as bad I don't think..losing Ella has effected me in ways I never would have imagined and 'wasting my life' has become one of them..her death was so sudden.I want to leave a legacy...who doesn't right?!

He saves me from myself

Thats the lesson in this week James' study. It has been awesome and totally what I need right now. I have been feeling so lonely (like, I'm in this BIG world alone and God has either left me or is nonexistent)  The lessons are divided up into days. Day 1,2,3,4 and 5. Anyway, I just finished day 3. All I can really say is "WOW!" We talked about the devil and his schemes and how God is in control. I honestly don't do a very good job at looking up scripture when she says 'refer to this book and verse' but I have had a thirst as of late She mentioned 2 Timothy 2:26 "Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil's trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants." (NLT) Earlier in the study, it was mentioned how "he hopes we'll think God has suddenly turned on us and we'll grow stff-necked and hardhearted." So, totally where I have lately!!! I don't know if this post is flowing very well or even makes much sense but I wanted to share what I have been learning. In today's lesson, she includes reasons to submit to God. May I share them with you?


-God knows everything about you and every matter concerning you. Nothing is hidden from his sight. So submit to God


-He is always looking out for your ultimate good and takes your hurts personally. So submit to God. 


-He is holy and worthy and incapable of abusing His divine authority over you. So submit to God.


-He knows your motive was right but your mouth messed up. So submit to God.


-He hows exactly how to make terrible into good. So submit to God. (this one personally hit me. I lost my full term baby almost 3 years ago...BIG OUCH!)


-He loves you completely and unconditionally and will never let you go. So submit to God.


-He knows the well-deliberated plan for your life and how all things must fall into place for you to fulfill your destiny. So submit to God.


-He will never put to shame those who trust in Him. So submit to God.


I am grateful to Beth Moore and to God of course for bringing this study to me.

actually spending time alone...

seems sort of eery with the nobody in the apartment but its sort of nice all at once. Joe and Claire went to a baseball game. That gave mommy a few hours to herself. I haven't been alone for hours at a time in awhile. Now, I'm thinking about all the things I need to get done..clean, go over things for school. OH YEAH! I recently got accepted to Liberty University online. I am a psychology major. I will be studying Christian Counseling. I am looking forward to this! I hope to one day work in a church wherever we end up. Joe is applying for jobs a little here, there, and everywhere.

I've been sorta stressed getting things financially ready for Liberty. I don't know what half the forms are that they need but thankfully Joe does. I'm so thankful for him constantly and in new ways it seems...I am working on intentionally becoming his best friend. I know that probably sounds funny but a lot of our marriage (at least to me) hasn't included this feature and I'm trying desperately to change this and not grow complacent.

Confusion

Matthew 21:22 "If you believe in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."


so, I've been thinking lately a lot about faith...So I know that God answers some prayers with either Yes,no, or wait...But what about verses like these that tell us if we believe that a God will answer a prayer we want answered,then we have had enough faith..I hope that made sense. 
Now, I don't go for the health and wealth gospel. I think thats just tickling your ears really...
I think I'm just confused because God does say no to some prayers...but in this verse it makes it seem like anything you ask in His name, he will do it for you...I really hope this blog makes sense...
can anyone help?

settling for the mundane?

so last night at Bible study we discussed the 'cost of being a disciple' in Luke. The portion of Scripture we were discussing was talking about how you basically have to be willing to lay down everything to be a disciple of Christ. I think it was a hard lesson for us all to talk about. It was definately one of those lessons you want to close your ears to. I've been thinking about the lesson since we talked about it. To be willing to lay down everything in order to follow Christ is a REALLY hard thought but I don't think that if we couldn't do it, God wouldn't ask it. I think that he puts his spirit in those who are genuinely trying to follow Him so why is the thought of leaving all our earthly possessions (if He would ask us to) so hard?
Why is it so hard to put our relationship with Him in front of our spouses & children. We are to love our spouses and kids...I'm not denying that one bit. I am saying that we are to love God more because he first loved us and after all, he did give us our families. Knowing that should make it easier, but for me..its hard.
After my first baby died...of course it took awhile afterwards but eventually the words in the Bible weren't just words...that you'd read in a story book for instance they became REAL because this God who held the baby girl I held not that long before in my body had written this book for me! I want that feeling back so bad...Now, I just struggle with wondering if I am thinking wishfully that God is real...I am really trying to work on the word "commitment"
if any of you are married, you probably understand you probably aren't always 100% happy with your spouse all of the time but you made a commitment you must honor so you stay and work out your issues..i'm trying to do that..I need help and prayer..anyone out there in the cyber world understand what I'm saying?