a day in the life of me

I get up, I nurse, and I can't seem to get off the couch. I try to put her in her rocking chair. That works for awhile if she's in a good mood. I play with her (when she's in a good mood). I clean when I get a free moment.  I feel inadequate as a mom. I know there is probably more I should be doing as her mom. I love her very much. I am not complaining. I guess I'm just saying I feel like I'm ill equipped.Then again I'm a fan of being a mommy. I don't know that this makes any sense to anyone reading this. I just want the best for her. 

My blood sugar has been high, the anticipation of reading the number on the meter scares me. I wonder how long I will be here. I know that stress and worry only makes the blood sugars worse so I try to do what I can and then let whatever happens, happen. 

I feel like I'm failing at a relationship with God. I do go to a weekly bible study which is awesome!  There is a workbook that goes with it. its a daily thing. I feel like I'm always in a hurry to do it, I don't take the time to actually soak it in..well, not as much as I want to. 

its going to be alright..i know it is!

it could turn into..

a little of everything! Who knows!! Little one woke up at 2 and 5 this morning. When she fell asleep after she ate at 5 she smiled and laughed in her sleep! It was adorable and surprising. Its one of those things she does that makes the hard times a little easier to get through. She's not been sleeping on her own..still! just now she fell asleep in her rocking chair thing. I've been trying to get her to take a nap on her own for awhile this morning.
I don't feel as overwhelmed about being a momma anymore. It's easier to look at it more as a privilege. I am still adjusting to this new little person being in my life. When I was pregnant it wasn't as hard as it is now to face that my life would change. I was still my 'own' person even though she was inside me and everything I did effected her too. I just didn't have to wake up to feed her 2 or 3 times during the night, change diapers, etc.
the fact that I am diabetic has been on my mind more and more. Will it kill me? When? Will I lose my legs? go blind? I don't want to go blind or lose my sight, I want to be here to see my baby grow up. I don't know why it's so hard for me to take care of myself at times. Granted, it is winter time and that makes it super hard to want to go out and exercise but I should be doing something that resembles exercising everyday. I have no idea how to use the sling I have to carry Claire around with me when I want to get chores done so the majority of the time I am holding her....it's impossible to do dishes with a 3 month old in my arms. I control what I eat..mostly. I still have times where its easier and more fun to eat that brownie like everyone else instead of grabbing carrots or something. Its supposed to make more of a difference when I know food can kill me. brownies and crappy food has its toll on even a 'normal' person too I suppose. It would help oogles if I lost weight too..when will I learn my family and being here to give God the glory is more important than food

radical...

I was reading an article today on relevant magazine's webpage. It talks about how Jesus wants us to reach out to all the world no matter the cost. I do think as American Christians we have it easier than we ought. He was saying that when we worship the God who wants us to live comfortable, non risky American lives, we are worshipping ourselves. You may want to check it out for yourself to get the exact words he used. I do agree that we have things in excess and I am not one to not take advantage of that excess. Its a shame to say...just look at my weight and one can see that I like food..a little too much. With my having diabetes and her paternal grandfather having it, the chances of Claire having it are pretty high. When she gets old enough I really want to teach her good eating/exercise habits to keep her from getting this disease. The things it can do to a person seems completely unfair.

She is sleeping on her own in the playpen! yay!

it may get random...

I went to Bible study this morning. It was much needed. I was glad I got assigned to the group I did. One of the ladies I could particularly relate to. It helped they could relate to having small children at home. They all could relate to the cabin fever feeling. I feel all sorts of guilty for feeling like this. Especially because of the fact that we lost our Ella last year. Wow! it's just last year...sometimes it feels unreal. Sometimes I feel numb to losing her. This morning for some reason it became all to real again. I was holding Claire and for some reason the way her hairline is reminded me of Ella. It's hard to know what to say when I'm asked 'how many kids do you have?" I don't want to leave Ella out but at the same time explaining everything can be nuts. I don't want to make others feel sorry for me. Ella is a part of my life.
I think going to Bible study on Wednesdays will be good for me. Another lady held Claire for the majority of the time, it felt like a break. I felt like a whole new person. It was weird being without her but it was welcomed..hope that made sense

We can learn lessons from a donkey. That was part of the lesson this morning. The lady teaching was talking about how sometimes we are stubborn as donkeys. God sometimes has to push and pull to get us to budge..eye opening.

losing myself?

Being a mom has been awesome, don't misunderstand me. I love Claire and sacrificing "myself" is something I would rather do than not..I hope that makes sense.

I know once someone has a baby everything changes. It's been hard sometimes however. I feel guilty even thinking these things but I just can't shake it. I miss just being "me" sometimes. All I do is take care of baby, eat (sometimes), do housework (mostly interrupted) and take care of baby some more. The more I type the more all this sounds so stupid. The other night I went out with my small group. We went to Dairy Queen. I had Claire with me of course. I wanted her with me. At the same time it felt just...odd. The other girls don't have husbands and babies. I know I can't expect them to understand anything about having husbands and babies. I just wish I could regularly get together with someone who can.
I am not saying I don't want my baby here. I totally do. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and the baby is next to me I still get amazed that she is here. It feels like a dream sometimes. I anticipate the day when all this will get easier. When she does become more independent. I know once that happens I will long for the days when all she wanted was the comforting arms of her mother around her.

She got her 2 month shots on monday. She took them like a champ! She cried for a minute when I held her for awhile she quieted down. Its an amazing feeling knowing that only I have that special kind of comfort that Claire needs. Its amazing knowing the bond we share. Remember awhile back when I said I would remember that I get to wake up with her in the middle of the night, etc? I am definitely trying to keep that in mind. I don't do as good job of it as I had planned. She is 8 lbs 4 ounces now! She's almost gained 2 lbs since birth.

This past weekend we went to a wedding and Claire was totally a crowd drawer. I liked having the extra help with her. Saturday morning (with my nice clothes on for the wedding) I picked her up out of her carseat and she puked on me! Oh the joys of motherhood right? The adventure just gets more exciting everyday

this week...

Has been kinda scary. My sister called me Sunday to tell me our mom had a heart attack. She was on a vent and even needed to be resuscitated once. She's doing a lot better now :) I had hoped for more time to pass before something like this happened (we lost Ella just last year) I'm just glad everything is alright. We plan to go to Illinois this weekend. The weather here has been kinda crappy.

Claire is doing well. She has been sort of more fussy than normal the past couple days but I was reading up on 8 week old development and apparently thats okay.  Joe measured her this morning and she's now 20 inches! She started out 18 3/4 at birth.She doesn't like hanging out by herself all that much. She'll sit in her seat that vibrates (not sure what you call them) for about a half hour or so for me. She sits in it longer for Joe. I don't know if she does it on purpose or not. She's started to make more noises that haven't been made. (at least not that I remember)

I think I'm doing better as a mom. I still get burned out from time to time. It makes me SUPER glad I have Joe. I couldn't imagine doing this alone. I'm grateful for my little girl :) I'm glad I got the opportunity to have both my girls. Ella taught me things I could never had learned otherwise. She taught me to love Claire more and be more thankful for every moment with her, even in the middle of the night when she's woken up for the 39878 time.

We plan to go to California in March to see Joe's parents, sister, grandmas and aunt. It's pretty exciting. We are talking about going to seaworld! I've never been on an airplane before so it'll be a time of firsts for me and Claire. Speaking of Claire, she's getting sorta fussy

oh the joys..randomness ensues

of mommyhood that is! I love my baby so much :) I was a "single parent" for a day and it was tough! Joe left yesterday afternoon for a bachelor party. We are waiting for daddy to come home still. I like spending time with my baby I just don't like feeling alone.

I'm excited to go to moberly next weekend! I'm ready to see everyone again.

The day before yesterday was the first time I think I truly felt like she knowingly was 'asking' for me. Joe said she cried the whole time I was in the shower pretty much and when I walked in the room she was quiet. Joe was feeding her a bottle but she got fussy a bit again and I took her and nursed her and she quieted right down for good. I just love her, I love watching her grow. oh! and she's smiled at me! it's so cute! she has an adorable gummy grin.

We were supposed to go to Illinois this weekend to spend Christmas with my family. We can't make it that far on the gas we have left in the car. My mom has to work this weekend anyway though so it kind of worked out..we'll try for next weekend..maybe? We've got a wedding to go to Saturday that Joe's in and then Sunday we are supposed to stay in the 1 year old sunday school class. Thankfully it's 1 and under I think so we can have Claire with us. I don't think I can bring myself to leave her just yet.

Speaking of leaving, I feel guilty if I leave her with Joe while I go read a book or something. I feel like I should be spending all my time with her! I know I shouldn't feel like this and she needs time with her dad and vise versa. She needs to learn to trust him too (as of right now, this is apparently the only thing she is learning)